Laugh Riot

Hatred

There are many ways it can manifest itself in you. Strangely enough, love is one of them.

There are ways it will get life inside you. Will make you do unimaginable things, to yourself, to others. You stop yourself, try and reason, ask Why? and still it lasts.. You think reason may soothe, but no. It will burn more. It will hurt more. You listen to that song you like so damn much and it keeps on increasing.. You wish you could meditate and manage it, channel all that furious energy into bending a spoon without touching it.. And you smile to yourself.

There is a lot many people can say about it, either about ways to get rid of it or about how to calm yourself..
I don't want to. Just the feeling gets the better out of me.

Ragnarok

Hope it never happens. But by default, why does the mind conjure up such things in the first place? I mean Man invented fear, just like other things which scare, spoil or beat the shit out of his own-self. (I can almost hear some women's lib activist laughing mockingly and saying - thats why you wish it was a woman, she'd have never done/created such things. Along with probably focusing more on making another million shades of lipstick and causing irrefutable damage to all things dear to Man I might add.)

Deviation - Thats what a rampant mind is all about. Never sticks to a topic.

Einherjar - How interesting would it be? To dine with Odin himself? The irresistible urge to be there amongst the bravest and the fiercest and of course the prize of it all, becoming a martyr for that cause which you believe you so strongly understand..

But do you really? What if it was all a farce generated by man again? For the sole purpose of being empowered and in command? Instilling fear has always been one of the most easiest ways to get what you want.. To this day the practice is in place, the worlds only superpower does it, the best cricket team in the world does it, you do it to a kid to get him to do what you want!!!

Every day is another moment of advancement towards your own Valhalla. If you are sure you want it. You see, I always believe you will get what you want, catch is, not necessarily when
you want it! So if you wanna ask for something, be specific, I'd say, if you are specific enough just the right amount, chances are, you wont get it at all. Trust me its better that way rather than having gotten it at the wrong time and then not being able to say - WTF? it's of no use and get a reply in return saying - at-least you got it!

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, so we're really not that different, me and you.” Or so they would have us believe.

Happy

When a momentary lapse of reason lasts a lot longer than a moment, would you wish for those moments to last a life time?

What if they asked you to be normal? And what if you were wrong all this while?

Ahh, what do you care, you are happy.
Abstracts make you believe what you want to believe in.

Betrayal

Sajda - to cast (oneself) face down on the ground in humility, submission, or adoration.

Trying to forget my life., and everywhere I look and see, I am reminded of the very things I am afraid of.

A grain of wheat eclipsed the sun of Adam.

Nobody: Dear Gardner, look, I bought you my favorite flower.. had to go deep into the forest trek, toil and sweat just to find it. Just about managed to escape from a hungry lion to get it for you.. Here.. This is for you..

Gardner: You stupid piece of shit, I have a garden.

Serenity Now, Insanity Later

When the news paper is filled with headlines without any supporting notes, rampant coercion of forced perception caused by natural follies of the mind is inevitable.

Chastity of an impure self: Lying in the open fields drenched with mud, couple of hours after midnight, facing the sky and ignoring the downpour. Is it your soul pleading to leave or exhortations of an ignorant mind wishing to find supernatural phenomenon? I did not know then and I do not know now.

Listening to your own heart, beat like your eardrums are the shreaded remains of a life exhumed from those victorious, from those vices of a soul misled.. Feels like the other world. Nothing will ever matter again, nothing ever did. Or is it?

Presumed innocence and will-full guilt: Portrayal of your own self in a tear, smell of happiness never received. Raise those barricades, label the swords. Fight the fight of the unknown for there she lies, beyond the multitudes of emotion, beyond all understanding.. Destiny beckons.

Myriad pictures of flashes which flashed. Impromptu decorations of an old memory. Touch of the wind.. Torrents of waves. Does it have to be a living experience? Will they just be feathers in a wet pillow?

Million to one, still there are many stars on the pathway to glory. There is no then, if there is no now. Would you touch me still.

Kingdom of Heaven

They say its within every individual. Just a matter of realization.

Fate, such an underlying force which compels the smallest of creatures to dare the lords and humbles the greatest of victors.

There could be either ways to an argument and neither way would it be deciphered correctly. People end up judging the state of mind a lot more easily than actually knowing whats inside their own.

Ever remember the moment when it all suddenly made sense?

Mistakes are forever

If you have always wanted what you could not have, what would you ask for when you could have absolutely anything you want?

Peace

One of the most prevalent causes of unhappiness* is the lack of ability to sit quietly in a room.

For the uninitiated *unhappiness here does not just mean that! It could be anything from restlessness to violent self preservation to just pretending to be happy and this is just an example.

It is strange really how the revelations of the your soul come to you in the most perfunctory of ways. It totally depends on how you end up swallowing it. It keeps coming to you every now and again until you get it.

The choice is never whether to learn or not, its always whether you wish to learn it the easy way or the hard. Sometimes learning kills.

How it reminds of the shortest of travel when you unlearn the lies and live with your conscience permitting all the happiness only to remind again and again.. Learn damn it, Learn.

A man goes to a jungle leaving all of his vices behind. Keeps quiet for what seems a very long long long time. Gets it and explodes with all the goodness he can muster. Is it good?

In My Defense

I thought to myself and foresaw I shall be totally
ruined, and the only thing I could expect from the people would be
nothing but hatred and that I shall have lost all my honour, even more
valuable than my life, if I were to kill Gandhiji. But at the same time
I felt that the Indian politics in the absence of Gandhiji would surely
be proved practical, able to retaliate, and would be powerful with
armed forces. No doubt, my own future would be totally ruined, but the
nation would be saved from the inroads of Pakistan. People may even
call me and dub me as devoid of any sense or foolish, but the nation
would be free to follow the course founded on the reason which I consider
to be necessary for sound nation-building. After having fully considered
the question, I took the final decision in the matter, but I did not
speak about it to anyone whatsoever. I took courage in both my hands
and I did fire the shots at Gandhiji on 30th January 1948, on the
prayer-grounds of Birla House.

I have no doubt that honest writers of history will weigh my act
and find the true value thereof some day in future.

Excerpt borrowed without informing from:
http://ngodse.tripod.com/defense.htm

In a name

Why does the heart suddenly lose a few beats and start beating slowly when certain things from past become apparent over which you have no control over?

Why would you wish it weren't so?

When the pangs of doubt are sowed and fertility is not an issue, you start wondering. Even if you conclude its not really about doubts, just the fact that you want to change what is gone and feel helpless about not being able to do so, your genetic makeup becomes a stumbling block instead of something known as prejudiced melancholic hope.

So why would you take pictures?

They say the expansion of mind is as limitless as the vastness of the universe. I wonder if that is true. If so, how much and to what extent. The pain is searing and the more you dwell on what you know the more you hump the blow hole. It will explode you would think. Realisation is when you know that the pits are not really meant to be filled up. They are to be dug.

You see, at the cost of sounding a retreat, one would want to think - I can't stop now.

And tell me then what happens, you see the sun, if I said sinking, would you judge me to be a pessimist? Seems like troubles coming on around, listening to the thump, breathing.. You wanted marsh-mellows. Everyone sat listening, you wondered if they will..

But you would think this does not make any sense.

Perfect Woman

For a dawg masquerading as Miguel!

http://edinburgh.gumtree.com/edinburgh/04/9401904.html

A mile to the graveyard

"My only love sprung from my only hate"
What happens when someone says that to you?

What happens when you walk a mile at 4 o'clock in the morning to sit on a grave in the middle of nowhere watching a serene lake wishing it wasn't so, smiling and wanting it to end right there, right then.

Its when you are charged up emotionally, so much so that you could move a grain of sand without ever touching it or summon a ghost and make him torture you and know, that there is nothing in the wide world which wont hurt you badly enough to make the pain go away.

The midnight widgets creak and groan and you think and smile at the tiniest of things knowing that its the beauty which warns you. It might fade away, might simply vanish right in front of your very own eyes leaving you spellbound, wondering right when you thought you knew it all, how could someone visibly similar make something presumably unmovable, disappear?!

Amazement is just a part of the game really, when you think about how someone would make fun of the thing they have and not give a damn about, saying it doesn't matter when the very thing can mean the whole world of happiness to you?

Weird part is when you are so used to it, you start taking it for granted so much so that the best thing that could ever happen to you can easily turn into a big dud. Simply because you thought it would end up like the rest, no one told you its different this time and you ignored your inner voice as you never knew if it was the real thing.

Then the next morning someone tells you about your madness and you realize what you did, you criticize yourself maybe feel ashamed a little, guilt overpowering your existence, you feel like undoing it all over again and you stop. Just for a moment, and you realize its your true you that you can not ever accept. Average sized life for a person wanting to fly high. An average existence to contend with.

You wonder why they all drilled it so deep inside you that you wanted to give your folks a big and much deserved vacation.. even the advertisements on the darned TV wont spare you. You were wrong when you said I want to give them the best, for wife, kids & siblings.. want them to do everything you could not and not have a grain of thought in your mind thinking was that too much? Now was that? when you are bought from your superfluous imagination to a reality bogged down by mediocrity. How can you be happy?

Wonderful definitions of designations at office.

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

10) HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months.

Only if you have headphones..

Really cool.

Whatever you do, don't play this game.

http://www.wickedpissahgames.com/games/gravitypods/GravityPods.html

Pickle

Question: How do you beat Mike Tyson?

Answer: Play chess with him.

Now what would be curious is if Gary Kasparov were to pick up a fight with Mike Tyson and *insist* that he'd fight him in boxing...

Chariots of Fire - 1981 (OST:Vangelis)

Do click on the menu button, and watch the other related video's if you liked this one.

Mephistopheles

Why this is hell, nor am I out of it.
Think'st thou that I, who saw the face of God,
And tasted the eternal joys of heaven,
Am not tormented with ten thousand hells
In being deprived of everlasting bliss?

Don't know what to gift someone special?

http://www.thinkgeek.com/

In a Nag-mail!

Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature.

Loving someone in-spite of knowing (or even after jumping in the grave you don't wanna be in, wantedly) was and possibly still is, one of THE most difficult thing's I have ever known.

West

Thinking and Missing

Two really different words, but exactly how different are they? You'd think you know, but just how much?

Thinking is just... imagining about the person or the "thing" as opposed to Missing which is Thinking about that person or thing and WANTING that person or thing was with you!

So, now one might think, why the heck am I talking about all this? Well, its simple really.. I just felt like it. Period.

The Hardest Part

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

[Coldplay]

Everyone's a Hero

I wanted to but dont feel like any more..

It came and it went, that feeling... those emotions, those thoughts..

Everything reminds or boils "down" to the name of this blog and the line beneath it explaining or trying to give an insight you'd never probably understand.
I say never not to insult but because one can never understand what the other feels. One can try and comprehend but it does not matter.. one can try and influence, but it never occurs. Its just like the sun sets every evening.. some of the people who know me might say I am a pessimist just because I talk of the setting sun, they never realize I am thinking of the beautiful stars.

Ever been through something which simply wasted you up? One might think thats the worst, but when you talk to someone about it and make a realistic statement of things which happened and learnt, you'll know that going through it was not as bad as listening to "stop being so negative." Its really not about that. Its about a lot of different things. Some as simple as "feeling exhausted(and not similar to when you've had an orgasm)" and others as "sophisticated" as saying fuck off and still others with no malicious intent, like "taking a realistic look at what happened (only mistake being, you are doing it out loud thinking, you are on the same plane as the rest of the world!)."

A man can never afford to make mistakes (as opposed to women and children) - line from the movie GodFather. Now this is one of those lines which end up affecting 'still growing up kinda people' a lot. It did have its toll on me and the fool that I am, I started imagining.. Expecting things to be in a certain way simply because that the only perfect way! Can you get that? This effectively meant I, the poor little stupified soul, started having big hopes and dreams! and like it's said in The Shawshank Redemption "Hope is a dangerous thing, it drives a man crazy."

Life is still going on after that eventfull episode. Its like they say when you have to let go of someone or something you love ever so dearly..

Why should one not expect to hear the things which are needed? or do we really get that all the time? This is a scary thought.. deep diving might even lead you to past life regression and you may endup thinking what the hell might have I done to be right here and right now! Its an interesting thought to which you have no clue. It will lead you no where and nothing will ever come out of it. But it will be an important experience. And by important, I do not mean it in a way you would ever imagine that word to mean in day to day life. Its like they say, coming back to the point you began. Its not so much about the destination than it is about your journey.

Now dont start thinking about how that journey should be positive, rewarding and all that shit..

The UnForgiven

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man strugggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what i've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what i've shown
Never free
Never me
So I thee UNFORGIVEN

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please THEM all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me

You labeled me
I'll label you
So I dub thee, UNFORGIVEN.

(Song by Metallica)

Inspite of knowing..

Addiction is a chronic or recurrent condition proposed to be precipitated by one or more of the following: genetic, biological/pharmacological and social factors. Addiction is characterized by the compulsive use of substances or engagement of behaviors despite clear evidence to the user of consequent morbidity and/or other harmful effects.

There's gotta be something else to it! [apart from the fact that most of them are simply pleasurable within certain limits which vary from individual to individual] :)

Truth or Fiction?

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (any logic or luck? may be both the ants kidneys are on the right and the centre of gravity.... eh.. damn, almost got me there!)

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
(Maybe you could try and tell me?)

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

All polar bears are left handed.(and you thought otherwise?)

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. (and what does this tell you now?)

“What is the origin and true meaning of knock on wood or touch wood?”

To touch wood or knock on wood is a superstition action to ward off any evil consequences or bad luck, perhaps because of some recent action you’ve taken or untimely boasting about your good fortune (“I’ve never been in danger of drowning, touch wood”); it can also be a charm to bring good luck.

"A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush

43% of all statistics are worthless.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

A bad plan is better than no plan.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

A gentleman is a patient wolf.

A good pun is its own reword.

A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students

A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

A witty saying proves nothing.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Attitude determines your altitude.

Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...

Bad spellers of the world untie!

Bald guys never have a bad hair day.

Batteries not included.

Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.

Be naughty - save santa the trip.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.

Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.

Best viewed on my computer.

Better late than really late.

Biology grows on you.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Clones are people two.

Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.

Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.

Don't be humble, you're not that great.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Don't believe everything you think.

Don't cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.

Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.

Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).

Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

Elevators smell different to midgets.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.

Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Examine what is said, not who speaks.

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.

Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.

F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Failure teaches success.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.

For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.

Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

Friendly fire - isn't.

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Frog blast the vent core!

Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.

Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.

God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

I can't spell and beer doesn't help.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I have a strong will but a weak won't.

I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

I prefer old age to the alternative.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

I'd buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.

If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.

If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.

If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!

If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?

If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.

If you're happy, you're successful.

If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.

Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?

In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.

It's like deja vu all over again.

It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.

It's people that give drinking a bad name.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Life exists for no known purpose.

Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.

Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.

Life's a bleach and then you dye.

Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Lunix... Because i'm better than you.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.

Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No-one suspects the butterfly!

No place is safe, only safer.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.

Roses are FF0000, violets are 0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.

Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Spelling is a lossed art.

Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.

Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

The Killer Ducks are coming!

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The best things in life aren't things.

The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The future will be better tomorrow.

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.

The only certain thing in life is death.

The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.

The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The revolution will not be televised.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

There is no time like the pleasant.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

Think much, Speak little, Write less.

This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.

This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.

This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Tracers work both ways.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Welcome what you can't avoid.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

When all else fails, admit I’m right and kiss my ass.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

When it's dark enough you can see the stars.

When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

With a rubber duck, you're never alone.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.

Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You don't have to explain something you never said.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Nope.....u still ugly!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Mind intentionally left blank...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have problems perceiving.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A pessimist is never disappointed.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Alone: In bad company.

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

Bad cop, no donut.

Every time I want to kick a habit, I find another valid reason to keep it.

He who doth not smoke hath either known no great grief’s, or refuseth himself the softest consolation, next to that which comes from heaven.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!

Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

A friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though you are slightly cracked!

I think you are way too close, thinking all that you are looking at is a grey wall – you may have to take a few steps back, maybe a few more, to realize that you are standing in front of an elephant – Raja.

Knowledge is what you know you know. It can be taught; you can acquire it from external
sources. Intuition is what you do not know you know. It cannot be taught; you learn it on our own.

At the core of intuition is a set of understandings that the owner just does not know about.
When knowledge is integrated with intuition, it becomes wisdom.

The devil lies in your assumptions.

Analysis is not an alternative to intuition; rather, the two work well together.

Reading and contemplation together develop intuition.

Implicit know-how lies at the core of intuition.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Maturity is not attained by killing the child within u.... its attained when u know-when not to behave like a child.

Re-affirmation of faith, once in a while, does good for your soul’s peaceful liberation.

Don't limit your challenges - Challenge your limits.

Failure is not when your Girl Friend leaves you, it's only when you don't try for her sister

- Swamy unknownanada

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two women.

The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours.

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn - the more you know, the more you know - the more you forget

The more you forget - the less you know... So... why learn?

No Pain...Good!

If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Nothings ever decided for sure...

There’s never ANY certainty in life with anything, there are ALWAYS exceptions. – H.

And why do you think there should be a moral obligation for a man to choose either heads or tails and expect someone else to have the other? It’s as if wishing for both sides is a crime against humanity and is completely unthinkable! – H.

Life gave me lemons so I made lemonade. Only life didn't give me any sugar, so it wasn't very good.

FYI: my life's a testament; I have never been a quitter... loser yes, but never a quitter – H.

Irritability and frustration: Just how many things are these two linked to? – H.

All Men of action are dreamers – James G. Huneker

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity – The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit – Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry – Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere – Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

If maths could solve all problems in life, there would be no God – H.

Make love, not war – Hell, do both and GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

Revolution Books, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!??
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

You're too good for him. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX.

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

From the heights of sadness self infliction arises – H.

And slowly, very very slowly death creeps... and then embraces to give you the sweetest of release...

Hope is a dangerous thing. Drive’s a man insane. – From the movie Shawshank Redemption

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

For the unprivileged married man: A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, and then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guy says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)

These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

Most frustrated...

Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "what do you need?' (Steven Wright)

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher)

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory. (About being a man!)

There are only two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein.

Stay hungry, stay foolish.

Fail wisely.

– Steve Jobs, Founder, CEO – Apple Inc

None of the big talk guarantees success: you can buy in clever ideas, pursue simplicity, ignore focus groups and fail wisely—and still go bust.

Don’t ever be angry on your friends, because in the final moments of life, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I want to know when Google is going to stop holding back though; buy Apple and Nintendo, just to get ‘em out of the way – Joe Sinkwitz.

“It's wierder on the inside than on the outside..."

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste – David Bissonette.

Modified: I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why woman treat men like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her – Sacha Guitry.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together – Hemant Joshi.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll

become a philosopher – Socrates.

Women inspire us to do great things, and prevent us from achieving them – Dumas.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?” – Sigmund Freud.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me – Anonymous.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." – Henry Youngman.

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." – Sam Kinison.

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic

banking. It's called marriage." – James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second

one didn't." – Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

- Nash.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it

once... – Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Henny Youngman.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. – Milton Berle.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. – Anonymous.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Save water. Drink Beer.

Love your neighbors. But don't get caught.

Unless you're rich, it's likely that you work for a living.

Life exists outside of your cubicle, but do you?

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

I'm not a Proctologist but I know an Asshole when I see one.

There's No "I" in Team and There Ain't No "i" in "Go F*** Yourself" Either.

If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.

Rehab is For Quitters!!!

If A Man Speaks In The Forest, But There Is No Woman To Hear Him. Is He Still Wrong?

Whatever It Is, I Didn't Do It.

I'm always running late...but at least I'm always running – SGB.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it,
but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to
cross the same river.

Live your life so that your epitaph could read, "No Regrets".

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

Become someone's hero.

Marry only for love.

Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on our ability to deal with people.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Don't expect life to be fair.